Bluer than Blue
It is an indelible memory. That day that I crept to the bathtub in midday. My heart, my soul, my body was cold. I needed the hot water and the privacy that locking a bathroom door can give. I let my grief cry out loud.
I’d held my True Love’s hand while he slipped away to find perfect peace and rest. He needed that blessed release from the pain that racked him.
I’d been up for days and my thinking was muddled, I needed sleep, I needed blessed relief also.
We’d walked together for 36 years. Now here I was. Alone. Where was he? I knew what the pat answers were. He was in heaven. He was right there with me, watching . He was floating somewhere out there in the stratosphere. I rejected all of it. He was gone. Nobody, nothing could bring him back to me.
It was dark day, December 31. It had been raining and blowing, then calm. If I could have one little ray of hope… And then I did.
A brilliant streak of sunlight broke through the rolling clouds for a few moments and targeted my little bathroom window. It struck a crystal in the chandelier and broke into hundreds of rainbows all over the room, on the water, on me.
One little beam of light. Transparent. Invisible. But it carried all the colors of the universe. I don’t understand that. But I did know that it brought me the peace that passes all understanding.
God had hidden his glorious colors in a particle of light and then showered them on me. If God could do this, He could do anything. Wherever my darling was, whatever had happened to him, if he was roaming the hills of heaven or just asleep forever, he was part of something grandly beautiful.
From that day I have been extraordinarily conscious of the gift of color. I find such pleasure in the palette that covers this earth. I could sing the praises of every hue in the spectrum. Vibrant, brilliant red tomatoes; radiantly sunny yellow dandelions; refreshing forests of green; purple lilacs; a tree of oranges; my granddaughter’s brown eyes….
Just as salt is one of my favorite flavors, I do not desire to salt everything I eat. (And other times I love super salty potato chips or popcorn.) I love this color in small highlights,
and at other times I love the jolt of it in big doses.